I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
