Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
