He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
