Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
