There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
