every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
