I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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