I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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