What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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