I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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