watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
