whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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