she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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