i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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