I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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