Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
