Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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