finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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