If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
