I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
