Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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