You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize