We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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