im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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