Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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