Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
