you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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