you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
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exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.