Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
