you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
