guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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