apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
