He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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