Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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