yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
