Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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