every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
do herpes really smell.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
