This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
