Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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