you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
