Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
