Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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