I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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