she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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