I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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