I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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