What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
