Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
