I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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