I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
