I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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