ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
