I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
