please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I love you. Go after that dick
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
