If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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