I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So vagazzling was a success
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
