my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
