I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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